A few things

1. I had a request for an update on our nephew, so here goes! Little I is 18 months as of Thursday. In his 17th month, he began walking! We got to see him here when he came to visit Charlotte, and it was so fun watching him toddle around. We took some pictures of the cousins together.





After a while, then both got tired of taking pictures!



As of a week ago Wednesday, Nephew I is officially part of the family! For Korean adoptions (don't know if this is for every country, or if it varies by country), the child cannot become officially adopted until 6 months have passed. At that point, paperwork has to be filed, and a court date is set. K and T went to the court day last week, an official oath ("you will raise this son as if he were your biological son, etc") was read, they agreed to it, I think they signed something, and it was official! Now, they have more paperwork to do, and he will be granted his SS card and a birth certificate. If it had not been for our little one at home, I would have really liked to have been there with them in the courtroom. I kick myself often for not being at the gate when they came home from Korea with him. No one was there to greet them, and I'm mad that I didn't go. Again, no one was there with them for this very exciting day. I so wish I could have gone.

Doesn't he look super cute in his bucket hat? He was checking out Charlotte's swing.



2. Last night was incredibly hard. I've not been sleeping well for a while now. Big shocker with a newborn, right? Well, with fibromyalgia, I don't sleep well, and I'm starting to feel that kind of not sleeping coming back. Night before last, Charlotte slept well, waking to eat about 12:30a, 3:45a and 5:45a. I was still awake when she got up that first time, despite turning my light out about 11p. Last night was way worse. I wasn't sleeping, C wasn't sleeping. She was very noisy, her paci kept falling out, that would upset her, so I had to keep replacing it. She sleeps in a tall bouncy seat right next to my side of the bed, so I didn't have to keep getting up, I just wasn't sleeping. She woke to eat about 1:45a and during that feed, it dawned on me just how tired I was. I started sobbing. I wasn't going to wake Scott up, because what good would it do to have 2 tired parents (and I'm very jealous of his sleeping abilities. Very jealous. Like I've told him this before.). Colby Jack gets very worried when I cry, and he heard me and started barking at me. This woke Scott up and he just started holding me. C was back in her seat by then, but still wide awake. He took her to the living room so I could finally get some sleep in a quiet room. I went out to the living room at 3; she was crying. I fed her again, trying to top her off and make her fall asleep. I just couldn't sleep. I was awake until 4a. The last time I saw on the clock was 4:00a and she woke up hungry and Scott brought her in our bedroom at 7:02a. So at the most, I got 3 hours of sleep. She ate, then dozed in and out until 10a. We all three dozed during that time, sleeping about 30-60 minutes at a time (me, anyway). Such a long tiring night. I really didn't think i was going to make it.

After I fed her and put her back in her chair when I was crying, I was just thinking "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeding her, listening to her, holding her when she cries, I just can't do any of it." Then I thought about a story I read yesterday of a 2m old dying of SIDS and I cried harder. I would do all of that, every night for the rest of my life, if I knew she was safe and alive. I have a giant fear of something terrible happening to her, mostly at my hands (not that I'm thinking of hurting her, I just see these accidental sitations play out). Things I can prevent, like me dropping her, or tripping over something and her flying across the room, or me forgetting to buckle her into her car seat and me getting in an accident (I've never been in a wreck, knock on wood). Even though she is a noisy sleeper, I am determined to keep her in our room a while. Studies show a reduced risk of SIDS when babies sleep near their mothers, especially in the same room. She will be moving to her pack and play at the foot of our bed as soon as her eating schedule settles out a little. And as soon as I empty the PNP of all the clothes, blankets, and diapers that are currently in there!

She is asleep on my chest right now. I love her, I just get so frustrated sometimes. Being a mom is hard, and I get jealous of Scott. He gets to go to work where there isn't a crying baby. I don't want to go back to work, I just wish I could get away sometimes too. He sleeps like a log. He can roll over, see that she's eating, and two breaths later, he's lightly snoring. When I wake up, it takes at least 5 minutes to fall back asleep, but usually more like 15. He has Friday afternoons off, and he took a 3 hour nap yesterday. I was exhausted too, but C was sleeping restlessly, and I kept waking up with her. I wish that he had taken her, but I know that he needs his sleep too. After he got up, I fed her then he took her for 2 hours while I napped. I wish we could do that every day!

3. I went to my rheumatologist last week. We re-ran bloodwork, and he wants me to go back on medications. They would go through the breastmilk, so we will be holding off until either a) we stop bfing or b) my body pain/sleep issues become so great that I can't stand it anymore. I don't know when either of those will happen, time will tell. I am thinking of emailing a couple of friends of mine that are pharmacists and asking if there is a sleep aid that does not transfer into the milk. Once she starts eating on a more regular basis (or sleeping through the night!!) I may take something. It's not healthy for me to not sleep, and I'm afraid that's where I'm headed.

Wow, this went a lot longer than I thought it would!! To lighten things back up, here are some more pictures!

From the Easter "photo shoot"



From the real Easter day - we never made it out of our pjs!

And finally, her one month picture! We've weighed her on our home scale and estimate her to be around 10 pounds already. She is out growing her newborn clothes as we speak. I put her in a sleeper tonight that we will have to retire after tonight! It makes me sad, it's so cute! She started a medication for reflux a week and a half ago, but I don't think it's making her tummy feel better. I'm going to make an appointment with the pedi, so we'll get more exact measurements this week.